mystery meat

holy crap.

i walked into a famous grocery store and was wandering around as usual drooling over the delicatessen counter (i sometimes think they put those plastic sneeze guards in place solely for me. jokes on them, i go out of me way to drool directly onto the food. don't stress, i wipe it off afterwards. geez.) and tutting mildly at all the boring meats on show when i bumped into something golden. something golden and sausage shaped. something golden, sausage shaped and fairly useful as an indicative tool for the counting of animals that i have eaten. have you guessed it yet?

it was a (the?) golden sausage of progress! as i picked it up from the shelf, a fanfare of glory rang out. okay, someone nearby got a text message on an elaborate phone, but still... glory! i clutched the golden child in my greasy paws and ran out, barely remembering to pay. buying that 4kg wheel of brie would have to wait, i had to get this little sleeve of meat home as soon as i could.no messing about, i cut into the metal-coated tube as soon as i could find a really sharp knife, nearly taking off the tip of my finger. in a frenzy i forced a couple of slices of bread into the toaster, causing a minor electrical fire. no time to spare though, someone else would have to put it out. whilst the bread was toasting/burning, i put the knife to gold and let it slide through. i felt almost guilty but i pressed through and released the natural liver goodness contained within. yes, it was a liver pate sausage none-the-less.

smelling it, i wasn't so excited anymore. it smelt like my cat's breath after a severely suspect haddock sandwich with pilchard sauce. and possibly shit too. being the hero of meat that i am, i spread the foul, meaty butter onto a piece of bread that was barely toasted on one side and cremated on the other. this 'meal' was really shaping up to be my best yet.

eating the golden sausage of progress was like licking roadkill. i don't actually know what that is like, but i can only but imagine it was like eating the golden sausage of progress. the texture was nothing but a nightmare, soft in places, rock solid in others. the flavour, well, i don't think cat sick comes close to it.

conclusion? the only thing progressive about eating it is the rate at which you move from elation to disgust. bleurgh.

in other news, i know this was a while ago but i didn't let you guys know: i was written about in an article on the guardian's blog site! woooo and stuff! there have been other cases of stuff turning up on the big web written about this site, so if you know of anything please let me know as i'm always up for seeing what people think. especially when people think it is disgusting, haha.