(one) horse for (one) course

it would be an understatement to say it has been a while, but i will - it's been a while. since Glastonbury i have been moving around, living in spare rooms, on floors, near sofas and under tables. i have also been finding a job, which happily happened and i'm an actual employee now, hoorah. and with all these things going on, i haven't been able to eat any meat - but don't think i had forgotten about all this.. quite the contrary! but anyway, down to the meat.

a friend that goes by the name of paris recently found himself in switzerland, for reasons he alone knows. i believe the story goes that on any one day there, he might have been to a bar, and from said bar he might have wandered the city, and on one occasion he may have stumbled upon a man selling meat. a meat merchant if you like. one of the first connections in his brain, as with many people who have to suffer my stories of animal based comestibles, was beastfeaster. so he kindly set upon purchasing possibly the most horrifying looking meat he could, as pictured below. it is supposed to be horse steak with pepper, but looks more like an uncomfortable injury. he had bought this for me back in july, and it had been in the freezer since then, with my inability to collect it as i was mostly on the move and nowhere nearby.

so, last night i finally retrieved this disturbing package, along with a ticket to reading festival no less, and as it graced my touch, it seemed even more revolting - partially frozen, sweaty looking and oozing in its own peppery red despair. i probably thought it smelled too, but that was no doubt an illusion in my mind, the taboo quality of the meat i was carrying perhaps causing my brain to immediately think it would reek of month old meat. i discarded it into my fridge (i live in halls at the moment. saying that, i move out in the morning) and disappeared down the pub with my good friend april. after a few beers and some flavoured peanuts, i returned to my room and began to pack, it was my last night in halls and tomorrow i was going to reading festival and at the same time becoming homeless. much to do. this did bring to my attention that if i wanted to eat the horse, tonight would be when i would. i stalked to the kitchen and got the package out of the fridge and tore it open. the stench was intense, it actually smelled like faeces. "joy." i thought to myself. i looked at the packaging, which read:

HORSE-LINE MIGROS

i very much agreed with the anagram I'M GROS but got on with it anyway. i lobbed some oil in a frying pan and tossed the steak after it. sizzle.

because i had packed all my kitchen utensils away previously, i was using ones from the 'dirty pile' with the full intention of cleaning them first and after. however the only frying pan that was available to me was a little bit broken, but i'm classy like that. the meat seared. i was worried of the smell, but as it drifted around my nose, i took a deep breath, almost scared it would be the worst smell since mr smelly won the smelliest smell contest in smelly town (i fear i have been watching too much blackadder). but it wasn't bad at all, infact quite delightful. it actually smelled quite tasty! i continued to cook it, a little worried that i had nothing to eat it with, but in times of need, a strike is a strike, even if it is pure meat.due to the nature of the abused frying pan, the meat started to smoke, and i considered it done. on cutting open the meat to check, i found it wasn't, so i cooked it some more. i usually take my meat nicely rare, but i wasn't going to take chances on canadian horsemeat that had flown to switzerland and then flown to england. i cooked it til the tiny edges were crispy.so here is the lonely meat on it's lonely plate. i know, i know. it should never be like this, but i had moved all my food out the day before and this was literally my last morsel in the fridge. i can live with it. i tentatively cut off a chunk of horse and gave it a concerned sniff - smell test suggests all go. chomp. i have to admit my heart was fluttering slightly - partially due to the beer, partially due to the taboo of the meat. chewing it, it was extremely tender, not an iota overcooked. it tasted slightly sweet (probably covered slightly by the weird pepper sauce), a bit like a cross between cow and deer. all in all, it was bloody well nice. i didn't stop before it was all gone and i was wishing i had had it with a meal. delightful.

it does remind me that i must venture to france and eat all of their animals too.